Posted in Personal Post

A Year Since The Break Up

Hey All,

I’m hesitant to write this post because its a really personal and vulnerable thing for me, but here goes nothing. This morning I woke up, checked my phone and the date hit me. It has been exactly 1 year since my break up with my ex. Before you freak out, don’t worry I’m not obsessing. I just am good at remembering dates of things. Even if it would be nice to sometimes forget.

Have I dated a handful of people since then? Yeah, sure. Has anything really compared in commitment or intensity of my relationship with M? No. M and I have a weird distant relationship now. We went from best friends to ending it, and that was really hard. I think we both want to be friends, but the longer we go, the more I think we can’t do it. Just too much heartbreak and feelings.

Something that bothers me is hes had 2 “girlfriends” (well a rebound and one) since me and I’ve had 0 official boyfriends. I don’t know why, but it feels like I lost because of that. I’m aware that those thoughts aren’t rational, but its how I feel. If I was completely honest about it, it still hurts when I think about it. I was broken up with because he couldn’t love me and I currently can’t find anyone else. That just feels really icky. I wish I could shake this feeling today, but I’m not sure I can. I guess today healing looks like just being okay with uncomfortable and moving forward.

Hope you all have a better day than me,

-B

Heartbreak

Posted in About me RIGHT now, Personal Post

Back Again!-Life Updates/Where I’m At Now

Hey all,

I know its been a LONG time since my last post. Looking back, its pretty clear I was struggling had. Even more so than I was letting on in my writing. In the last 6 months I’ve been through a lot of transition. The following has all been part of my story:

  • I’ve moved twice. Out of the house with my ex and temporarily into my parents. It was a humbling experience, but they were essential in helping me heal. Then into an apartment with my current roommates in the fall.
  • I joined a work softball league. Its hilarious to watch a bunch of scientists attempt sports ball.
  • I went on a NYC/Virginia trip with my good friend Alicia before both of us starting graduate school.
  • I started the P.A program which in and of itself is extremely time consuming. But medicine it awesome! I love learning about the human body.
  • This summer I was really working on managing my depression and dealing with ending things with M. Letting go of what you thought was your future partner and the fantasy of the life was harder than I expected. Learning to deal with grief has been a major point of growth.
  • I’ve gone on a cruise this Christmas with my parents
  • I was in New Orleans for New Year’s Eve/Day.
  • I visited Nashville.
  • I’ve gained and lost and gained weight. Its been a yo-yo thing but I am just trying to go with the flow and find more peace in my life. We are starting to get things back on track again. I will continue my weigh-in-wednesdays.
  • I’ve accepted being in 2 weddings this summer which I’m pumped about. Expect lots and lots of dancing.
  • I’ve gone on some awkward online dates. Nothing super significant, but plenty of funny stories.

So that is a short abbreviated version of what has been happening in my life the last 6 months. I plan to start writing a little bit more regularly again. My goal is a substantial post once a week, however, it’ll probably be closer to every two weeks. This will be in addition to a weigh in Wednesday hopefully every week but I hope you can give me some grace if its more every two weeks. That all I’m going to write for now. I’ll update on the specifics of my weight journey tomorrow.

Have a good week!

-Becky

 

Posted in Personal Post

The Art Of Closure

Closure is hard.

Closure is elusive.

Closure is painful.

Closure is complicated.

Very rarely does closure happen in the exact way you imagine.

Sometimes you have to accept the apology you never get. You have to accept that you never said goodbye. That things ended poorly. That they weren’t who you thought they were. That things don’t work out the way you imagine them to. Once you accept that, you can start that hard process of closure.

People often think the act of acceptance is closure. Don’t get me wrong, its a large step, but its far from all of it. Closure is not thinking about it all the time after acceptance. Closure is moving forward and trying new things, even if you’re terrible at them. Sometimes that means going through the motions. Closure is filling the void that the one thing or person left. Closing that empty space to the point where you’re so distracted or happy with the new that you don’t dwell.

Closure is hard, but its possible.

Keep pushing through friends.

-B

Music For Those Grieving A Relationship

Posted in Personal Post

Mental Health, Heartbreak & Resilience

Good Morning,

I’m writing this very nervously, but also with the belief that if sharing my story helps just one person, its worth it. Also, know that this post discusses some heavy things and could be triggering to those who have dealt with suicidal thoughts.

I’m going to be embarrassingly honest right now. I’m beyond crushed over my relationship ending. This break up has been killing me. More than any other break up has before, and that is really embarrassing to admit.  I feel pathetic for being so sad over him, while he is just fine. That being said, its fair considering I was pretty sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

Lately, I haven’t been eating because my anxiety makes it hard. When I do force myself to eat, I get pretty sick. I haven’t been able to sleep more than 4 hours at a time. Often less than that.  Leaving me exhausted even though I still can’t sleep. My brain is constantly thinking negative thoughts about myself and the situation. Which just tears you down. Emotionally I’m overloaded and don’t seem to find joy in things I used to. Things I want to be excited about like seeing friends and going out I find tiring and if I do go, its like I’m going through the motions. I can’t seem to focus at work and I just have this looming feeling over myself. One where I have no energy, I’m sad, and that I don’t desire to do anything. Living at home alone, in the house we were supposed to live together in amplifies this.

Pretty much anyone could tell you that all these are pretty classic signs of anxiety, depression, and grief. The problem is, I am someone who is really good at pretending to be fine and hide whats going on. Lets be clear, this isn’t a healthy thing to do. I like to compartmentalize so I don’t lose it at work because once the flood gates are open, I’m not sure how to close them. I don’t talk to people about my problems. I don’t want to make anyone sad, even though I preach to my friends that they can come to me. Its this problem of mine that has isolated me so much and I think has made this that much harder. Its something I want to work on. I need to try to give myself the same grace I give everyone else. I wish I was different, but I just have a hard time trusting people. If you only get one this from this writing I want you to know…


Its OKAY to not be okay. You deserve to talk to people, to be heard, to be loved and known in a real way.


It was after a really scary night where I was genuinely contemplating suicide to end this pain, that I knew I needed help. The realization I had that morning scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to die, but I don’t know how much longer I could live like this. If you are having feelings or thoughts of suicide, know that this isn’t normal, but you are not alone. That you are sick, and you deserve to get help. Just like someone with a cold, you are ill and there is help out there for you.

If you are in crisis right now please call the national suicide prevention hotline at  1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website here. If calling is too much you can text 741-741. This is what I actually did myself. They will connect you to other resources such as: 211.org and auntbertha.com. 

So I finally did it. I took the plunge and called a mental health facility to see if I could see a therapist. That phone call was one of the scariest things I’ve done in a long time. I knew I didn’t want to live like this, so I called. Turns out my insurance sucks and I couldn’t afford the place I found. I cried the moment I got off the phone. I felt overwhelmed and sad that even though I desperately wanted and knew I needed help, I couldn’t get it.

Fast forward to the weekend after a few more isolating days. I was at a new low feeling pretty helpless. My mom called to catch up and I ended up telling her what happened. As hard as it was, I’m so glad I tole her. She cried with me. I felt bad about that, but she said she would happily take over the search if I would go. Later this week she gave me the name of a place and a way to follow up. I intend to make some calls after work today.


If you need help, please do not be afraid to ask for it. More people love you than your brain is letting you believe.


Please friends. Reach out. Be resilient in your search. The path to finding help can be bumpy. To be honest, the United State’s system is so screwed up. Something I am pissed about for anyone who has ever felt like me. Be resilient in knowing you deserve this help. Ask friends and family members to help you if its overwhelming. There is assistance out there financially for those who need it. Often therapists will work with you or refer you to other places. As hard as it is to talk, the moment you do it, it gets easier. You are not meant to do life alone. Please, just don’t isolate yourself like I did.

You deserve more than that.together.jpg

with peace,

-B

ps-I apologize for all the grammatical errors and typos. We wrote this post crying and don’t have the courage to edit prior posting.

Posted in Personal Post

Heartbreak- An Honest Post

Hey all,

I have been holding back for awhile now. Currently, I’m going through a break up with M. I know I mentioned it briefly in a previous post, but honestly its killing me inside. He already has a new girlfriend. They’ve been official for two weeks, and I just found out. I thought I was doing fine and then hearing this news, I feel like I’ve completely reverted. We haven’t even been broken up for 2 months. It took 4 months of dating for us to put an official title on it. A month for him to try and kiss me. So I’m struggling with the thought that maybe he cheated on me. That or I must really not have ever mattered to him at all. All the usual concerns of whats wrong with me and why am I not good enough come back. I don’t know. I’m just aching inside by the fact that I still love him and he is off perfectly happy with a new girlfriend. Totally fine and I’m just the most hurt I’ve ever been.

Irregardless, I’m hurting bad. I’m just not okay.  I’m also working on accepting that that is ok in itself to not be ok. A good friend kindly threw those words of my own back at me the other day. Working on giving myself the same grace I feel everyone else deserves. Hope you’re all having a better week than me.

with peace,

-B