I’m hesitant to write this post because its a really personal and vulnerable thing for me, but here goes nothing. This morning I woke up, checked my phone and the date hit me. It has been exactly 1 year since my break up with my ex. Before you freak out, don’t worry I’m not obsessing. I just am good at remembering dates of things. Even if it would be nice to sometimes forget.
Have I dated a handful of people since then? Yeah, sure. Has anything really compared in commitment or intensity of my relationship with M? No. M and I have a weird distant relationship now. We went from best friends to ending it, and that was really hard. I think we both want to be friends, but the longer we go, the more I think we can’t do it. Just too much heartbreak and feelings.
Something that bothers me is hes had 2 “girlfriends” (
well a rebound and one) since me and I’ve had 0 official boyfriends. I don’t know why, but it feels like I lost because of that. I’m aware that those thoughts aren’t rational, but its how I feel. If I was completely honest about it, it still hurts when I think about it. I was broken up with because he couldn’t love me and I currently can’t find anyone else. That just feels really icky. I wish I could shake this feeling today, but I’m not sure I can. I guess today healing looks like just being okay with uncomfortable and moving forward.
Hope you all have a better day than me,
I’m still here and alive. Sorry for disappearing. I intend to still continue writing and giving updates on my fitness goals and life. To be completely honest, this last week I’ve been really fighting my depression and managing emotions I cannot really put into words at the moment. I’m hoping for some grace from the few of you who do follow my writing. I swear I’ll be back soon enough. I just needed to take care of myself. For me that looked like barley getting by and functioning at work. So again, I apologize. Will update soon.
Don’t forget to take care of yourselves.
Closure is hard.
Closure is elusive.
Closure is painful.
Closure is complicated.
Very rarely does closure happen in the exact way you imagine.
Sometimes you have to accept the apology you never get. You have to accept that you never said goodbye. That things ended poorly. That they weren’t who you thought they were. That things don’t work out the way you imagine them to. Once you accept that, you can start that hard process of closure.
People often think the act of acceptance is closure. Don’t get me wrong, its a large step, but its far from all of it. Closure is not thinking about it all the time after acceptance. Closure is moving forward and trying new things, even if you’re terrible at them. Sometimes that means going through the motions. Closure is filling the void that the one thing or person left. Closing that empty space to the point where you’re so distracted or happy with the new that you don’t dwell.
Closure is hard, but its possible.
Keep pushing through friends.
Music For Those Grieving A Relationship
I have been holding back for awhile now. Currently, I’m going through a break up with M. I know I mentioned it briefly in a previous post, but honestly its killing me inside. He already has a new girlfriend. They’ve been official for two weeks, and I just found out. I thought I was doing fine and then hearing this news, I feel like I’ve completely reverted. We haven’t even been broken up for 2 months. It took 4 months of dating for us to put an official title on it. A month for him to try and kiss me. So I’m struggling with the thought that maybe he cheated on me. That or I must really not have ever mattered to him at all. All the usual concerns of whats wrong with me and why am I not good enough come back. I don’t know. I’m just aching inside by the fact that I still love him and he is off perfectly happy with a new girlfriend. Totally fine and I’m just the most hurt I’ve ever been.
Irregardless, I’m hurting bad. I’m just not okay. I’m also working on accepting that that is ok in itself to not be ok. A good friend kindly threw those words of my own back at me the other day. Working on giving myself the same grace I feel everyone else deserves. Hope you’re all having a better week than me.