I’m hesitant to write this post because its a really personal and vulnerable thing for me, but here goes nothing. This morning I woke up, checked my phone and the date hit me. It has been exactly 1 year since my break up with my ex. Before you freak out, don’t worry I’m not obsessing. I just am good at remembering dates of things. Even if it would be nice to sometimes forget.
Have I dated a handful of people since then? Yeah, sure. Has anything really compared in commitment or intensity of my relationship with M? No. M and I have a weird distant relationship now. We went from best friends to ending it, and that was really hard. I think we both want to be friends, but the longer we go, the more I think we can’t do it. Just too much heartbreak and feelings.
Something that bothers me is hes had 2 “girlfriends” (
well a rebound and one) since me and I’ve had 0 official boyfriends. I don’t know why, but it feels like I lost because of that. I’m aware that those thoughts aren’t rational, but its how I feel. If I was completely honest about it, it still hurts when I think about it. I was broken up with because he couldn’t love me and I currently can’t find anyone else. That just feels really icky. I wish I could shake this feeling today, but I’m not sure I can. I guess today healing looks like just being okay with uncomfortable and moving forward.
Hope you all have a better day than me,
I’m still here and alive. Sorry for disappearing. I intend to still continue writing and giving updates on my fitness goals and life. To be completely honest, this last week I’ve been really fighting my depression and managing emotions I cannot really put into words at the moment. I’m hoping for some grace from the few of you who do follow my writing. I swear I’ll be back soon enough. I just needed to take care of myself. For me that looked like barley getting by and functioning at work. So again, I apologize. Will update soon.
Don’t forget to take care of yourselves.
I have been holding back for awhile now. Currently, I’m going through a break up with M. I know I mentioned it briefly in a previous post, but honestly its killing me inside. He already has a new girlfriend. They’ve been official for two weeks, and I just found out. I thought I was doing fine and then hearing this news, I feel like I’ve completely reverted. We haven’t even been broken up for 2 months. It took 4 months of dating for us to put an official title on it. A month for him to try and kiss me. So I’m struggling with the thought that maybe he cheated on me. That or I must really not have ever mattered to him at all. All the usual concerns of whats wrong with me and why am I not good enough come back. I don’t know. I’m just aching inside by the fact that I still love him and he is off perfectly happy with a new girlfriend. Totally fine and I’m just the most hurt I’ve ever been.
Irregardless, I’m hurting bad. I’m just not okay. I’m also working on accepting that that is ok in itself to not be ok. A good friend kindly threw those words of my own back at me the other day. Working on giving myself the same grace I feel everyone else deserves. Hope you’re all having a better week than me.