I’m writing this very nervously, but also with the belief that if sharing my story helps just one person, its worth it. Also, know that this post discusses some heavy things and could be triggering to those who have dealt with suicidal thoughts.
I’m going to be embarrassingly honest right now. I’m beyond crushed over my relationship ending. This break up has been killing me. More than any other break up has before, and that is really embarrassing to admit. I feel pathetic for being so sad over him, while he is just fine. That being said, its fair considering I was pretty sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Lately, I haven’t been eating because my anxiety makes it hard. When I do force myself to eat, I get pretty sick. I haven’t been able to sleep more than 4 hours at a time. Often less than that. Leaving me exhausted even though I still can’t sleep. My brain is constantly thinking negative thoughts about myself and the situation. Which just tears you down. Emotionally I’m overloaded and don’t seem to find joy in things I used to. Things I want to be excited about like seeing friends and going out I find tiring and if I do go, its like I’m going through the motions. I can’t seem to focus at work and I just have this looming feeling over myself. One where I have no energy, I’m sad, and that I don’t desire to do anything. Living at home alone, in the house we were supposed to live together in amplifies this.
Pretty much anyone could tell you that all these are pretty classic signs of anxiety, depression, and grief. The problem is, I am someone who is really good at pretending to be fine and hide whats going on. Lets be clear, this isn’t a healthy thing to do. I like to compartmentalize so I don’t lose it at work because once the flood gates are open, I’m not sure how to close them. I don’t talk to people about my problems. I don’t want to make anyone sad, even though I preach to my friends that they can come to me. Its this problem of mine that has isolated me so much and I think has made this that much harder. Its something I want to work on. I need to try to give myself the same grace I give everyone else. I wish I was different, but I just have a hard time trusting people. If you only get one this from this writing I want you to know…
Its OKAY to not be okay. You deserve to talk to people, to be heard, to be loved and known in a real way.
It was after a really scary night where I was genuinely contemplating suicide to end this pain, that I knew I needed help. The realization I had that morning scared the
hell out of me. I didn’t want to die, but I don’t know how much longer I could live like this. If you are having feelings or thoughts of suicide, know that this isn’t normal, but you are not alone. That you are sick, and you deserve to get help. Just like someone with a cold, you are ill and there is help out there for you.
If you are in crisis right now please call the national suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website here. If calling is too much you can text 741-741. This is what I actually did myself. They will connect you to other resources such as: 211.org and auntbertha.com.
So I finally did it. I took the plunge and called a mental health facility to see if I could see a therapist. That phone call was one of the scariest things I’ve done in a long time. I knew I didn’t want to live like this, so I called. Turns out my insurance sucks and I couldn’t afford the place I found. I cried the moment I got off the phone. I felt overwhelmed and sad that even though I desperately wanted and knew I needed help, I couldn’t get it.
Fast forward to the weekend after a few more isolating days. I was at a new low feeling pretty helpless. My mom called to catch up and I ended up telling her what happened. As hard as it was, I’m so glad I tole her. She cried with me. I felt bad about that, but she said she would happily take over the search if I would go. Later this week she gave me the name of a place and a way to follow up. I intend to make some calls after work today.
If you need help, please do not be afraid to ask for it. More people love you than your brain is letting you believe.
Please friends. Reach out. Be resilient in your search. The path to finding help can be bumpy. To be honest, the United State’s system is so screwed up. Something I am pissed about for anyone who has ever felt like me. Be resilient in knowing you deserve this help. Ask friends and family members to help you if its overwhelming. There is assistance out there financially for those who need it. Often therapists will work with you or refer you to other places. As hard as it is to talk, the moment you do it, it gets easier. You are not meant to do life alone. Please, just don’t isolate yourself like I did.
You deserve more than that.
ps-I apologize for all the grammatical errors and typos. We wrote this post crying and don’t have the courage to edit prior posting.